I tried to log in to Google Meets and it said there was an error. So I tried to change the password and it said the administrator would have to do it. So I checked my email and sure enough, I had an email saying my role was terminated along with others.

How did I, as the HR manager get laid off on my day off???

& it was more than losing the job.

I had just attended a funeral for my mentee 2 days prior while simultaneously commemorating my late mother’s birthday. And my step father had passed two days prior to that.

& my godmom a month prior to that.

I was angry, full of grief and sadness. How was I losing so much in such a short period of time? Was God trying to make an example out of me??

I filmed a video for my YouTube channel the day of or the day after because, now that i’m not working I might as well jump straight into doing what makes me happy.

But the last few weeks of creating have felt like they’ve been coming from a desperate place. A place of, “I don’t have much time, why is this not working for me??” And then slamming my laptop closed when my analytics aren’t displaying thousands of views and income.

I see it happening for so many people, getting to build their dream lives; growing their personal brands and online community, speaking on panels, getting invited to movie premieres, writing books and selling out, getting invites to festivals, concerts etc, and having this deep inner knowing that…that should be me. And it will, sooner than later.

But I DO, want it sooner, rather than later.

But then I seen a video By Talia on TikTok where she said, she also sees people trying to get on to stream university and how in her journey as a creator she just “got lucky”, & that not everybody will make it to the destination they dream of. And i’m not going to lie, it kind of popped my dreamer balloons.

Are my creative dreams just the same as that of a sound cloud rapper?? Am I wasting my time trying to grow my digital business and need to dedicate more time to applying for jobs I know won't fulfill me?

& to be honest with you, my desire for greatness didn’t start in 2020 with the rise of TikTok, I’ve always had it. Cues That Girl by Beyonce

When I was a teen, I would watch BET & dream of being on TV. I wanted to be tall so I could model. I began writing fiction and poetry at the age of 12, and dancing as well. I was a singer, I played instruments; in high school I was the cheer captain and I danced and performed on staged, recited poetry in front of galas and was a whole production manager and dance team captain in college.

it’s not on me, it’s in me.

So why does it seem like the things I am desiring for myself are happening for everyone else and i’m getting skipped over? Why God ain’t answering the phones when I’m on the prayer line? What am I doing wrong?

Now I’m not going as far as to use my rent money to apply for streamer university, but I’ve taken some risks to get to my dream life.

-I left my home town of Pittsburgh, Pa to drive across the country solo to Arizona to stay with my best friend in a brand new car I just got 2 weeks before leaving & left my keys to my apartment to my younger brother wit no job lined up just vibes.

- 7 months after that, I packed up and drove from Arizona to North Carolina where I knew nobody, had no job, nowhere to stay and just $1200 while still paying rent back in Arizona.

-completely switched career fields several times from social work to digital marketing to Human Resources with barely any experience.

So I have no reason to believe this also won’t work out for me except -

I’ve been at this social media thing coding on MySpace, college era Twitter and Facebook, and trying every new platform that pops up waiting on my big break & it still hasn’t happened. I’ve watched people who started at the same time as me on tiktok and YouTube BLOW past me.

& even though…they do say people forget the turtle still wins, this turtle is feeling discouraged. Impatient. Afraid. 36 and unclear.

& while I know everything works out in due time….it’s challenging to not worry in the messy middles.

In our next chat…I’m going to share some lessons i’ve been learning during this layoff but I think this is enough for now.

If you are somebody or you know somebody in the process of a transition or pivot, I’d love for you to join me on this journey. The Rested Return was created to share my experiences and stories of this journey transparently and openly and all of the lessons gathered along the way.

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Sure, there were moments of happiness but was it deep? Honestly no. It wasn’t deep fulfilling happiness. Because happiness for me wasn’t ticking off another box on my checklist. I didn’t know what it was actually. I am not sure as I write this, that I even know right now.

So this year I am dedicating it to happiness. I signed up to volunteer for a wellness event and I signed up to be an ambassador for a conference, because I love helping people and being in the mix. I am reading my affirmations and understanding that surviving isn’t thriving and I deserve to be fulfilled and happy in this one life that I have.

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I was having a conversation with my uncle a few weeks ago, after my brothers and I took my grandma on an all expense paid trip to Miami. She had never been because she spent her entire adult life raising children. She has 3 of her own and then she took my brothers and I in when my mother died. She sacrificed getting to do things she may have wanted to do, to take care of her grandkids. & Then, her husband got sick. & she had to take care of him. When she came to visit me in 2021, I did her nails and she told me she never got her nails done while she was working at the hospital. SO, now I make sure to gift her with spa treatments and now my girl always gets her nails done ok!?

My uncle though, told me, that because I and my brothers don’t have children, and because we are able to travel often, we have seemed to forgot where we came from. This…was offensive. How could I have forgotten where I came from when I am busting my ass to not go back there!?!

But as I let the words settle into my spirit I thought about what he could have meant. I don’t move like I used to. I act differently, in how I dress, how I speak, how I present myself. & its not that I forgot where I came from at all its that I know exactly where I come from and I know I deserve more.

I live a rich rich life. It may not be the rich that I want for myself right now, I have ALOT of work to do to get to where I truly want to be, but I read somewhere that if you have the dream inside of you, that means that your future self already has it.

What is it that you wanted years ago or as a child that you now have? Or something you were able to get and experience?

My grandma said she used to watch police shows based in Miami and always dreamt of going there. And now at 72 she had the chance to be chauffeured around the city, eating crablegs and watching football at the bar.

I got to watch her inner child thrive while petting goats and camels and all she kept saying was, “I am so loved. I am so grateful”.

What do you have to be grateful for today?

I often times harp on the things that I don’t have, that I forget to remember what I do have. Only because I am striving for more. It is easy to focus on the things that we lack, the things that we don’t have, & can start spiraling inside of our minds of how to obtain it. I am learning to be in the moment, to be still, and just say, thank you. Thank you to God. Thank you to my younger self for dreaming. Thank you to my future self for leaving breadcrumbs for me to follow as I journey to my final destination.

Being rich, is a mindset thing. It’s a spiritual thing. They won’t tell you but, all the cars in the world won’t fulfill you. All of the things won’t make you happy. But peace will. Showing and sharing love will.

So, don’t tell them I told you but, we are already rich. We just have to believe it, and see it in ourselves.

Make this week a rich one Loved Ones,

With all the love,

Starr

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That to do list for today is looking a little hefty, isn’t it?

Maybe you should set it down, and then….

Breathe.

Now once you’ve done that, you can pick it back up, and then I want you to pick 3 things that are top priority. If it’s your daily to do list, pick three things to get done today, if it’s a weekly to do list, pick 3 of the things you “have” to get done this week.

The others you can just add as bonuses. Like if you just so happen to fit it in, that’s amazing, but if not, do not beat yourself up about it.

Also, I want you to change your frame of mind from, “I have to do ___” to, “I GET to do ___”. Because we often times look at things we are privileged with as burdens. This helps us to switch our frame of mind to a space of gratitude, it’s subtle but it works.

Lastly, I want you to add yourself to your to do list. Add time to pour into you. Whether thats spending time eating your dinner slowly, or five minutes before you get in the shower to say positive affirmations in the mirror, or a little extra time in the shower to meditate.

Have an amazing week.

Love,

Starr

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Even if nobody else wants to go where you want to go, sometimes you will have to go alone. & it’ll be scary, and it’ll be frustrating or maybe even confusing but you’ve got to press on.

If nobody accepts your path, if nobody accepts your personality, you be the one that affirms yourself, and accepts yourself and says, “I am enough, just as I am.”

Because you are.

Even when nobody else sees your value, you’re still valuable. Even when nobody else sees your worthy, you’re worthy. Accepting yourself as you are is the highest form of self love.

I pray this week is a great one,

With love and kindness,

Starr

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During (and after) Covid while working remote, I didn’t care about dressing up, working out, eating well (link recipes here). I wore pajamas everyday, went for a quick walk and came home to rot on my couch then ordered a 10 piece with fries from wingstop. At LEAST 3 times a week. Partially because we were told we had to, but then, I just got comfortable doing it. & then I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself.

Where is that baddie from 2019, please have her join us front and center, stat!

I had to make a choice to get up and get myself together, not because I was a content creator, not for my husband, not for my friends, but for myself. Because I love myself enough to stop neglecting myself. & If we are being honest, investing in yourself, your education, your looks and your health opens up alot of doors that may have other wise stayed closed. It takes time to relearn a habit and even longer to learn a new one, but you owe it to yourself to at least try.

How will you invest in you this week?

I pray this week is a great one,

With love and kindness,

Starr

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I recently went to see one of them days with my girlfriends for my Galentines day event, an event I’ve hosted for the last 3 years.

I had to learn that even though I’m married, my relationship does not revolve around my husband. I am free to have hobbies, spend time with my friends and he has never made me feel like I couldn’t, I just had this male centered view of wifehood.

It was time for me to change.

That started with being honest with myself about my codependency. As a woman who prides herself on being 4B adjacent, I had to learn that its okay to love my partner, but I have to create a world outside of him.

I started scheduling friend dates, solo dates, monthly, weekly. I was scheduling more facetime calls with friends, mid day lunches and check ins. & most importantly, creating boundaries with myself and my relationship. I had to learn that we are in a relationship, but we are also two individuals with two different lives and paths.

Building a strong foundation of friendships where I get to re explore girlhood has been one of my favorite parts of marriage. Thats a thought I need to get deeper into.

I had been in a few relationships before, but this was still a new lesson for me that it took time for me to come to terms with. My first experience with love and relationships, were heavily rooted in codependency and abandonment wounds. I had to let go of the fear that if this man wasn’t in my sight, that something was wrong.

It took time. Gradual time to teach my mind, my body, my spirit, that I was safe, my relationship is safe, and whatever another person does is out of my control, the only thing I am in control of is myself and my actions and reactions.

Now, I am able to have a more healthy experience in love. & not because he is doing anything different. But because I am allowing myself to experience things differently. I can let go more easily.

I can breathe. Because love with men doesn’t have to center them.

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No matter what you’ve done in the past, whether you allowed disrespect from someone, or didn’t showcase the best of who you are in a situation, you are still worthy and deserving of love.

Give yourself the best of you this week, love on you a little bit longer, and affirm yourself that you are worthy, & you are deserving of love that feels full, that feels safe. You deserve community, you deserve a space where you can show up fully & be vulnerable.

Give yourself space to let go of guilt and shame and resentment. Allow yourself to be full of clarity, joy, and freedom. You are not your negative past experiences.

Even when things feel difficult, complicated and uncertain, remind yourself that it is temporary. Show the world and the people around you that you deserve to be treated exactly how you wanted by treating yourself that way.

I pray your week is full of certainty, love and peace.

Starr

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You’ve got goals you’re trying to achieve right now and I know there’s alot of chaos and fear in the atmosphere but I need you to stay focused.

Take your time, feel your feelings, process the way that you need, but then I need you to get back up, and get back on track. YOU need you to stay focused and keep it together, ok?

Don’t let your environments sway you off track, you’ve already come so far. Don’t let negative voices get in your head, its only distracting you from your greatness that lies ahead.

Keep going.

Go ahead and have an amazing week.

Love,

Starr

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But I need for you to know, you are more than what you produce. Give yourself space to rest, to be with yourself.

You deserve more out of life than rushing to get the next thing done. Once you’ve completed a task or a goal, give yourself space to be happy, congratulate yourself on your achievements. Most often times we just want to rush through our to do checklists and don’t give ourselves the opportunity to truly take in all that we have done.

Overcome the need to have this unhealthy relationship with being productive, your periods of rest, are equally as productive.

Take a moment to just sit in silence, breathe, take in all that you’ve done, quiet the outside noise of all of the things you need to complete, the noise of everybody’s voices, relax your nervous system, get off that wheel.

Stop running. Walk. You’ll still get to your destination. Hopefully with more clarity, more joy, more excitement.

Have an amazing week.

Love,

Starr

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