Life after Layoff | Part 1

It's been 28 days since I lost my job. This is how it's going.

The day I received the email notifying me of my layoff, I felt numb.

I tried to log in to Google Meets and it said there was an error. So I tried to change the password and it said the administrator would have to do it. So I checked my email and sure enough, I had an email saying my role was terminated along with others.

How did I, as the HR manager get laid off on my day off???

& it was more than losing the job.

I had just attended a funeral for my mentee 2 days prior while simultaneously commemorating my late mother’s birthday. And my step father had passed two days prior to that.

& my godmom a month prior to that.

I was angry, full of grief and sadness. How was I losing so much in such a short period of time? Was God trying to make an example out of me??

I filmed a video for my YouTube channel the day of or the day after because, now that i’m not working I might as well jump straight into doing what makes me happy.

But the last few weeks of creating have felt like they’ve been coming from a desperate place. A place of, “I don’t have much time, why is this not working for me??” And then slamming my laptop closed when my analytics aren’t displaying thousands of views and income.

I see it happening for so many people, getting to build their dream lives; growing their personal brands and online community, speaking on panels, getting invited to movie premieres, writing books and selling out, getting invites to festivals, concerts etc, and having this deep inner knowing that…that should be me. And it will, sooner than later.

But I DO, want it sooner, rather than later.

But then I seen a video By Talia on TikTok where she said, she also sees people trying to get on to stream university and how in her journey as a creator she just “got lucky”, & that not everybody will make it to the destination they dream of. And i’m not going to lie, it kind of popped my dreamer balloons.

Are my creative dreams just the same as that of a sound cloud rapper?? Am I wasting my time trying to grow my digital business and need to dedicate more time to applying for jobs I know won't fulfill me?

& to be honest with you, my desire for greatness didn’t start in 2020 with the rise of TikTok, I’ve always had it. Cues That Girl by Beyonce

When I was a teen, I would watch BET & dream of being on TV. I wanted to be tall so I could model. I began writing fiction and poetry at the age of 12, and dancing as well. I was a singer, I played instruments; in high school I was the cheer captain and I danced and performed on staged, recited poetry in front of galas and was a whole production manager and dance team captain in college.

it’s not on me, it’s in me.

So why does it seem like the things I am desiring for myself are happening for everyone else and i’m getting skipped over? Why God ain’t answering the phones when I’m on the prayer line? What am I doing wrong?

Now I’m not going as far as to use my rent money to apply for streamer university, but I’ve taken some risks to get to my dream life.

-I left my home town of Pittsburgh, Pa to drive across the country solo to Arizona to stay with my best friend in a brand new car I just got 2 weeks before leaving & left my keys to my apartment to my younger brother wit no job lined up just vibes.

- 7 months after that, I packed up and drove from Arizona to North Carolina where I knew nobody, had no job, nowhere to stay and just $1200 while still paying rent back in Arizona.

-completely switched career fields several times from social work to digital marketing to Human Resources with barely any experience.

So I have no reason to believe this also won’t work out for me except -

I’ve been at this social media thing coding on MySpace, college era Twitter and Facebook, and trying every new platform that pops up waiting on my big break & it still hasn’t happened. I’ve watched people who started at the same time as me on tiktok and YouTube BLOW past me.

& even though…they do say people forget the turtle still wins, this turtle is feeling discouraged. Impatient. Afraid. 36 and unclear.

& while I know everything works out in due time….it’s challenging to not worry in the messy middles.

In our next chat…I’m going to share some lessons i’ve been learning during this layoff but I think this is enough for now.

If you are somebody or you know somebody in the process of a transition or pivot, I’d love for you to join me on this journey. The Rested Return was created to share my experiences and stories of this journey transparently and openly and all of the lessons gathered along the way.